@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

You Might Also Like

@dougbies

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

@KyleMcDowell86

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

@allahliker

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

@oxygenplug

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

@EastonEnyart

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

@TrophyWifeDayna

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

@tiffistrying

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

@crunchenhancer

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

@e4moji

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why