@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.
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@SondraDeeMe: [mattress store interview] "What would you bring to this job?" A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
@Chumpstring: interviewer: what are your strengths me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it interviewer: what about weaknesses me: my mom’s a mess
@daemonic3: The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.