A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
You Had One Job!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[god creating raccoons]
God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
God: Just do it.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”