Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
You Might Also Like
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah