Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

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A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.



Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.


[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat


One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.


*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?


very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell


Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.


[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.


*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”