cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
cat vs inanimate object
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”