Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
You Might Also Like
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure