@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

- @Sheila_Mac420

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@wendchymes

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

@ComedicBust

[First Date]

Me: Wanna check out the local garden?

Her: That sounds amazing.

[arriving at Olive Garden]

Me: Damn, it’s busier than usual

@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@decentbirthday

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

@Steven37366100

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

@withanewname

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

@HomeProbably

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

@TommyKarate

Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.

@huntigula

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly