Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*