ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
You Might Also Like
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.