Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”