I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Lmfao
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
next level snooze
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.