Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
You Might Also Like
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.