Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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any last words?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.