Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Its true…
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.