Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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Think I pulled my liver
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
everyone’s a critic
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course