Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
You Might Also Like
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.