@Avepates

Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.

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@WittySassBasket

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

@stephenjmolloy

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

@clichedout

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

@UncleBob56

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

@copymama

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

@NoticablyBacon

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

@juliussharpe

After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.