If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.