H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.