them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.