next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
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[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Murderer: [points a gun at me]
Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome
“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”