My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns