Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.

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next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat


[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years


If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.


I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”


[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.


my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)


Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome


“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”


I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.


If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”