Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
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I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Bring back the McRib
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges