8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
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Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Fight
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.