[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me