2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.