@thecrabbyhook

Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.

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@pilau

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

@dumbbeezie

If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone

@pinupteacher

Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.

Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*

[3 hours later]

I still see you there baby.

@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

@neerjagurnani

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

@LnL245

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

@david8hughes

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.

@EllaZee5

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go