I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
how much for the angry fruit?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.