Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

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LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.


Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.


Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.


Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.


[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*


Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.


I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip


*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes


I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.