Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible