Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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Husband: “I heard that sex is a great way to relieve the stress of Coronavirus.”
Me: “I heard that the Coronavirus will likely cause a spike in divorce rates.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
They probably could have called lightbulbs, just “bulbs”. Most people would still get it.