Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR