Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
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Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.