Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
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“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.