If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
You Might Also Like
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?
-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation