Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now