@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

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@beefman138

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

@amydillon

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

@13spencer

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

@QwertyJones3

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

@Cryptoterra

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

@Lexactly

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation