@myles_morrison

Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.

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@BakedBrotatoes

[Job Interview]

*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*

*fixes tie*

*checks breath*

IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@alexlumaga

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

@TweetPotato314

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

@RayInCincinnati

I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.

@anylaurie16

Changed ex’s name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn’t show up when he texts.

@krissywillbretz

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

@ch000ch

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting