Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
You Might Also Like
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?