Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession


Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.


Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”

Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”


I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.


I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.


Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.


Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.


If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.