@EyeSeeYou619

Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

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@Nickadoo

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

@AristotlesNZ

Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.

@SteveSuckington

Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”

Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”

@UnFitz

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@007Rex_Inc

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

@difficultpatty

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.