Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

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That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.


Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”


This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.


Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”


It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.


My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?


McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again


If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.