@notittryagain

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

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@Karissajem

So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.

@SkippyMcGizzard

My cat is like a jealous lover. She’s like, “Let me smell you first before you touch me. Where have you been?”

@BasicLyes

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

@P1ssed_K1d

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

@Culprit7

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

@TwinSurvivalist

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

@DirtMcTurd

My thoughts today are like underwear, I don’t have any clean ones.

@SamuelHLowe

-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.