Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

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So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.


My cat is like a jealous lover. She’s like, “Let me smell you first before you touch me. Where have you been?”


Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.


Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets


I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.


Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom


Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.


My thoughts today are like underwear, I don’t have any clean ones.


-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.