@notittryagain
@McJesse
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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@McJesse
@SleepingSuspect
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
@mattwhitlockPM
This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.
@gruffybeard
Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?
[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]
Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”
@CArmanthegirl
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
@mommajessiec
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
@NYorNothing
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
@Skoog
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
@Lisabug74
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
@Brewsker
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.