Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”