Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Twitter is the new flypaper.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.