Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I said we supposed to be saving our money.