Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
real
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.