Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping