@trumpetcake

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

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@AllanForsyth

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

@Naggalie

My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”

@Dani_Feld

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

@SortaBad

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

@RidiculousSheri

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.