THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
shes shocked about being pregnant? LMAO