[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.