Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I'll cut their legs off too.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

[kissing]

Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt

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