@Elizasoul80

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

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@MelKassel

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

@Kryzazy

I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

@KMoFlo_official

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

@DraggingFeeties

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

@lindseyallen

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

@Mom_Overboard

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

@AmishPornStar1

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

@KylePlantEmoji

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life