Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner