DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go