Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

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DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb


Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*


I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.


The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..


[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO


“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.


Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure


Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.


Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?


[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go