Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
You Might Also Like
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Close call…
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
It’s a gift
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me