Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

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Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?


After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.


I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.


I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.


I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.


Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels


What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.


You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?


“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”

-people that walk by my house on recycling day.