Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.
You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?
“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”
-people that walk by my house on recycling day.