Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
lmao
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.