sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
The news is so predictable nowadays
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
You know…for fall…
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄