Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”