Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
this is me
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!