Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
You Might Also Like
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?