If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.