Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night


ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..


I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.


Just read “four years after pregnancy 38% of moms still were not drinking” I think it’s safe to say this survey was not done on Twitter.


I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.


About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.