Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow