Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
tis the season
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
It’s an epidemic…
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.