Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Ghost costume 😂
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes